Dutch Men and Relationships

In love with a Dutch man but can’t understand his quirks? Not enough romance perhaps? Some strange habit that defies logic? Read on:

“Dutch Men” Article from Radio Netherlands, 20 April 2001

Dutch men have no sense of romance. They don’t buy their women expensive gifts but they do treat them as equals and they are faithful. For him diamonds are not a girl’s best friend – he is. These are a few general characteristics of Dutch men that pop up when you talk to foreign women about their relationships with the male Netherlander.

French journalist, Sophie Perrier, recently wrote a book about the men of The Netherlands, for which she interviewed 35 women and one gay man from Germany, Hungary, China, Columbia and the United States among others. All these people live in The Netherlands and all have had a relationship with a Dutch man. Are they really that different from their peers elsewhere, in Belgium or Germany, for example?

Women Are Human Too

Treating someone like a human being may not be what every woman wants but it does have its advantages. Dutch men, according to Sophie’s interviewees, can make very god lovers.

“They’re very happy not playing the dominant role in bed, unlike a lot of men in the world. The Dutch man likes to please his woman, he likes to take time for her, he really cares what she wants and not what he wants. On that point foreign women like a Dutch lover very much. They say he is compromising in bed, like they are in their daily life. Sometimes maybe it’s not as exciting as it was in their country, in some ways they miss the power-game, that was making the sex exciting.”

Those Little Differences

But perhaps behind – or more accurately, standing next to – each of these boring Dutch men is a Dutch woman. In the true spirit of compromise it could be that Dutch men are ‘not so exciting’ because that’s the way Dutch women like them. Sophie’s conclusions might just say more about foreign women than Dutch men.

“Of course, it says a lot about them. They are not as emancipated as Dutch women. They are more traditional, they expect more presents, they expect more romance, they expect to be treated in a special way only because they’re a woman. Maybe it’s not politically correct but I personally feel the difference between men and women bring a lot of charm in life. It brings a little interaction between men and women, a little bit of flirt, it’s just a little game between men and women.”

Objects of Desire

To be this boring and unromantic takes years of training. Sophie puts it down to a combination of religious history, a nation of liberated women and an unrivalled sense of individuality in Dutch men.

“Women don’t want to be treated as objects, that’s absolutely taboo. You have to take a woman as a human being, not as a woman. The second thing is Calvinism in The Netherlands. You don’t have to do crazy things, you don’t have to spend money if you don’t have it. You just have to be very faithful. And maybe the third thing is that they are not scared to do things that are not typical for a man. Dutch men don’t care that a typical man should give flowers, or that a typical man should be very ambitious at work. He doesn’t care about that he just does what he thinks is the best.”

Good Ratings

Marks out of ten then from Sophie, just how highly does she rate Dutch men? “I think it would be quite high, 8 or 9, because he’s very emancipated. He’s faithful, you can trust him, he’s nice, he listens to his woman, he treats her as his equal. These women like it very much, especially in the long term. In the beginning they think; ‘well he’s not romantic, he’s not exciting, he gives me such small presents’ but if you stay with a Dutch man for years then I think you will be very happy.”

Another humorous reading on Dutch Men:

Article

July 2, 2004. Uncategorized.

21 Comments

  1. Anonymous replied:

    I am a Scottish women and am going to be married to a Dutch man next year since I met him I have realised that there is romance out there and he is shit hot in bed but on that note he always likes to satisfy me before he lets himself be satisfied he is also full of romance and buys me anything that my heart desires and that is including a 21 diamond ring ye ye ok I know he must be a one off eh but hey Im so glad I have him and noone else does

  2. nana replied:

    This is sooooooooo true about my dutch boyfriend! its incredible.
    as much as i want faithfulness…I want spice in my relationship including gifts. and i get very little gifts :(

  3. Delores replied:

    I found this article to be both interesting and informative. Currently, I talking to a Dutch man I have been for about a week. I met him on a dating website. I am a fifty year old Africa American woman I have dated outside of my race with a Caucasian man. It was not serious but lasted three years. I have one problem I don’t understand when he is talking his English is not very good, what do you suggest I do?

  4. Dorien replied:

    I love this article. It is so true and it covers all the points. Who cares about the little gifts they are faithful that should be the best gift ever. I love Dutch men.

  5. BeeBee replied:

    Aw my Dutch man never gave me a single little gift.. nor even a Christmas card.. (we are together for 1 year) and that bothers me because a little gift would show love and appreciation.. yes I think he is faithful and he may love me but romance and passion is lacking so I’m not that sure about his feelings… :(

  6. Kim replied:

    I have not even met mine in person..but I am getting gifts. He truly is in love with me. Wonderful guy. Glad when the day comes and I can hold him.

  7. putsie replied:

    my dutch guy was awesome at the beginning, after 3 year together the I found out that he sent email to other girl saying “i miss you online” and he hide another cellphone behind me and he still likes to chat and flirt on videocam 😣

  8. Kim replied:

    Mine was good for all of 1 month, bahh. He turned out to be a scammer. Went to China and needed money to get back…4000.00 is what he wanted.
    I didn’t give him money, then about a week later he sent an email. Im back, now leave me alone. I guess he got his money from someone else lol

  9. Joanne v. Balingan replied:

    Wow me so exciting i found my dutch man and we are more than two months in progress of our relationship..and i found some characteistics of him base of what ive read in this article.true but the others not yet observe..and wish he is faithfull and i never wish big presents coz i just need simple thing so i will understand him if he cannot do that to me.only fate and trust for him

  10. Joanne v. Balingan replied:

    And im in love with him.i think we are soulmate,after8 years weve met and have two both siblings and now weve met again and we are now..may be we like complicated things..

  11. Joanne v. Balingan replied:

    Im different in bed i found him he cant keep me up in sex..im always behind when it comes orgasms..but im excited he has surprise i dnt know what tricks for sex

  12. Nederlander replied:

    Romance for a dutch guy lays in subtility, a layer that pretty much only a dutch female notices. The same is for flirting, non dutchies might not even find the subtile stares. In bed this means either are allowed to innitiate, dutch guys like to feel wanted aswel.
    Where most females want gifts, dutchies want to be loved. And see getting gifts as a make up for an argument or misunderstanding.

    Dutch guys like to treat their females as equal, as emancipation does not stop at same rights, same jobs, same treatments. To only want the the ‘benificial’ side of amancipation is in both eyes selfish.
    Dutch females not always appreciate a door opened for them, as they have been born with the capability to do it themselves. Tell your significant other you enjoy when he does so, and he will probably be happy to do so furtheron.

    The dutch are rude, becouse they think being direct beats hiding the truth.
    The dutch are cheap, becouse they are a trading community for over a milenium but their good advice is usualy free as is their will to help others in need.
    The dutch are boring, but if you tell them what you want. You might just exactly get that.

  13. Sabina replied:

    I’m dating a dutch man LDR. I can say he is very committed, loyal, mannerly but of course straight to the point. He is very jealous of me maybe because Im 12 years his junior. I truly love him and care for him but he has insecurities of me leaving me.

    He asked me to marry him and of course I will.

  14. kaag replied:

    Dont trust a dutch mann….bearkaagman@yahoo.com

  15. Amzy replied:

    I loved this article! I am an Indian woman and have been dating a dutch man for almost a year. It does appear that the Dutch men are cheap but honestly, they value quality over quantity. They prefer doing things for their woman and spending time with them rather than buying stuff to prove their love.The cultural differences between my guy and me are enormous but we both are willing to compromise, something I find very difficult for most men to do. I would surely recommend giving your Dutchman a chance, if these qualities annoy you at first!

  16. anna replied:

    Hi! My boyfriend is Dutch.. I’m Italian.
    I moved in Holland 1 month ago… and I often don’t understand what is him and what is dutch.. expecially about friendship!
    He told me that in Hollan the man has his friends and the woman hers.. So he goes out with his friends and I remain alone in the house.. is it really so?
    In Italy a couple is a couple also outside.. friends usually become in common, people go out all toghether and just sometimes the man go out with his friends and the woman with hers..
    I can’t find anything about this on internet.. can I have some your opinion?

  17. merry replied:

    This article is really great! By the way I was dating a Dutch guy for 4 months. he was really attract me at the first day we met. Even though we had different culture background we are trying to understanding each other. I had a crushed on him but I don’t know does he has the same feeling or not. We never talk about love..sometimes it make me confuse. will he say he love me first or not..?

  18. DEE replied:

    Im african american lady who recently fallen in love with this wonderful dutchman I can’t say much but Im hoping I don’t wake up and realise im not dreaming, he’s been so wonderful sexually and all

    Im in love …period

  19. Milly replied:

    I agree with Nederlander’s reply (above). I think that the majority of us women around the world, have been raised or socialised to experience relationships like a game of chess “If he does this or buys me that, it means he loves me.” The many Dutch men that I know, including my boyfriend. Don’t play those games. They commit themselves to taking care of you by daily action, not by gesture or token gifts. They take time to get to know and try to understand you. They hope that you can let your guard down in order for them to achieve a real level of understanding with you. Which is also more challenging for those of us who are English (I’m half English, half French) or American. Our cultures are all about having our guards up and trying to be impressive, in order that the man will be attracted to us. And when he is, it’s not you he’s fallen for. But a figment based on an impression you have given. Dutch people in general see through this. And of course Dutch men see through this too. With a Dutch man, you have the opportunity to be authentic! If it is natural to you to love him wildly, then do so. He would prefer that you express the real you, than be guarded. If it’s natural for you to take your time, then do so too. They want you to be YOU. Even the wealthiest most polished Dutch man, prefers authenticity over affectation and materialism. It is no wonder then why they prefer women who look natural, no make up, no fuss. They need to see you. This is at the heart of Dutch culture and Dutch men. Authenticity. That’s not to say that you have to be vulgar either. Just be natural, conscious, considerate and not afraid to show the beautiful side of your nature. A side that in other cultures, as pointed out in above replies, that is considered boring and un-exciting. Which is tragic really. Because most of us want to be relaxed, loving and natural. Well you can with a Dutchie.

  20. Rena replied:

    Dutch men are Dutch men. They are not romantic, they are rude, blunt and sacarstic. They are stingy and selfish. Never praise their wives or girlfriends. Yes they value their friends over their life partners. This is their defence mechanism.

    Wait!

    I’m an Asian Indian. I met this bitter bitter man who was going through divorce ancilory matters for 11years with his Dutch wife. He lost everything… Properties, money and cars because of his mean ex wife. I met his autistic downsyndrome young child in an organisation where I was helping out during my free time after my marriage of 29 years failed. I met him when we had our center’s anniversary. Somehow we got together.

    In that one year one and a half year I knew him, he abused me verbally and on two occasions pshysically. All his friends will tell me that he us a wonderful man but I never saw that side of him. Why I stayed in the relationship because he offered me his guest room when I had nowhere to go when I lost everything during my divorce. I’m also conservative. When I could not take anymore, I walked out with a heavy heart.

    Why I love him?

    I’ve never seen the best father who works day and night just to pay for his children’s education and well being. Never seen a man who gave up everything just for his children. He could have been a Romeo but never cheated during our relationship. A very upright person and no nonsense attitude.

    What’s next?

    He looked for me everywhere and located me 3 days later. It did not help that I’m very well sort after in my profession so he knew where to look for me. When I finally agreed to talk and have an amicable break, I saw the real man he was.

    Shocking shocks….

    Never will say sorry but many sorries. Never bought me anything but celebrated my 50th birthday in his friend’s high end restaurant. Never hold hands in public but these days carry my heavy back packs.

    It’s going to be two years soon….. He lost everything but he says I’m the love of his life next to his children. This is what I love about him. His children are part of him.

    BE PATIENT LOVERS OR GIRLFRIENDS of a Dutch man, I agree with some of the ladies, gifts and presents are not important. Look into the hidden romance and love they show. Dutch men are faithful to their wives, girlfriends and are also filial to their parents and family. The best providers for their children. Your understanding of a typical Dutch men will help you.

    I will still say, walk out of any relationship if you have no faith. Hope and faith help you see positive things in relationship.

    I wish all ladies dating a Dutch man a wonderful life.

  21. Veronica replied:

    Hi,
    Thank you for all emails, it was a pleasure to read them. My story is a bit simillar a bit different.
    I live in Czech Rep. and I ‘knew’ my Dutch by online, it was not a dating website. He sent me the message first. He saw my photos and he was a bit too excited I think. But were writing emails every day. Once he suddenly stopped for few months, did not know what s happened but i was busy and focused on my work so I did not cry for long time ;)
    after few months he sent me the message that he did not see my last email and he thought I am busy of my work that s why he did not write to not bother me. I thought it is redicoulous and he is not saying truth, but i replied him sometimes to time. After few month he asked me to meet, after few months I decided to meet. But he was busy and his father was sick. I thought again he made a fool of me.
    Then we met once for short time,I think i was in love with him ..he is gorgeous… after I came the Netherlands i met him twice of 5 days cause his father was sick again and he was busy. BTW he did not want to give me his number phone neither his address. OK, after first meeting he gave me his number phone cause he said he wants me to have it. But still no address. You know when you meet a guy online, even if you are chatting everyday for one year you would like to know his address in any case…
    It will not help much but at least I would feel safe. We spent two gorgeous days, was absolutely amazing. As you said in bed simply fantastic.
    When I asked him why he doesn t want to tell me where does he lives he said that he likes teas me …well it is not really funny if it is important for me.
    I even thought he has a gf and he just playing with me , but he said he doesn t have …not sure if I should believe or not… :(

    Anyway he said he will visit me in Norway …he did not cause he was too busy at work. Now I am going for the conference and he asked me to take weekend off to spend time together but he did not invite me to his place…
    When i asked him if there is any chance he wants to meet me and have future not to marry but to know each other better, he askwered that he doesn t know his feelings, what’s he wants and what he should do in this stage.But he likes me a lot and he doesn t want to dismissing my feelings.

    I can t say I am happy and I was super sad, I wante dto break up friendship and never speak with him but he is much better than any guy I was meeting so really do not know what to do… :(
    He melted my heart to brought me hos favourite candies, he cares to be punctual cause I am …I see he cares of me. Everything is so strange to me. But I am in love with him…do you think is normal?

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